Auntie Mary's Later Years

This will probably be to my detriment, but what the fuck?!

In my younger and more vunerable days... I liked to pick on old people! Well I just had a little fun. I used to go over to see my grandmother about once a week and occasionally I'd go down the street to my auntie Mary and uncle Jimmy's house. At the time auntie Mary and uncle Jimmy were both in their 90's. Uncle Jimmy was so old that he was in World War 2 when he was 35 years old. He was so old that when he was about to retire, he sent a letter back to the hospital he was born at to get his birth certificate and when he got it was surprised to find that he was actually born in 1909 and not 1910, like he previously thought.

Despite being 94 years old, he still got around really well and was a horny old bastard. I heard many stories of him propositioning his filipino caretaker for sex. He never got any though. I even heard stories, from my grandmother, that he had come over one day to watch the baseball game with her and he brought a magazine clipping showing how old folks could have sex. That's some creepy shit.

But auntie Mary takes the cake. I don't think I knew her when she had any sense in her head. She was always older than the hills and had short, fire engine red hair.

I used to play this game called, "See if I can get money from uncle Jimmy." Uncle Jimmy was fucking loaded. He carried at least four grand with him at all times. His wallet was so inflated with bills that he sat down at a 45 degree angle. Whenever I'd go over to see them I'd either mow their lawn, for which my uncle would pay me $20.00 (not bad), or play "See if I can get money from uncle Jimmy."

The game was simple enough. I did it once and he gave me money so I just kept doing it. Prior to entering their house I would take out my wallet and put all the cash I had into my front pockets. When I came in I would make small talk for a long while and then I would say something like "Oh, I just got a new wallet, wanna see?" Uncle Jimmy'd say "Yeah, sure." So I'd pull out my baren wallet and he'd say "Oh you don't have any money?" and I'd say "Nope." and he'd bust out his huge wallet and thumb through an entire fucking forest of $100 dollar bills and get me a brand new $20.00 bill. That trick worked like a charm for a long time.

More amusement I used to have with them was more overt and less monetarily propelled. I used to give my friends the tour of old people. My relatives are generally pretty damned funny, but auntie Mary and uncle Jimmy were funnier than Chris Rock in his prime.

At this time auntie Mary was hearing shit and seeing shit too. I'd be talking with uncle Jimmy and all of a sudden she'd say "JAMES!!! I HEAR THE CAT OUTSIDE. LET THE CAT IN!!!" Jimmy would ignore her. Once again, "JAMES!!!! THE CAT IS OUTSIDE, I CAN HEAR HER. LET THE CAT IN!" Jimmy just muttered to himself...

"DAMIT JAMES, THE POOR CAT IS OUTSIDE. LET HER IN!"

All uncle Jimmy said was "That cat died three years ago..."

We were sitting there, my friend Chris and I, and all of the sudden Chris says "MEOW!!!!"

Auntie Mary says "JAMES!!!! THE CAT IS OUTSIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Jimmy says "No she ain't, Mary."

Chris: "MEOW!!!!!!"

and on it went until we left. As you'll see from later stories, there really didn't need to be much interference for those two to be yelling at one another...