Facebook Junkies

Hello. My name is John and I am a Facebook junkie. I started out just as simply as everybody else does; a friend told me I needed to create a Facebook page, so I created one. I spent a while picking out the perfect picture of myself to show the world what I look like (a picture I use as my profile picture for this blog as well) in not too gory detail. A picture where I wouldn't look too fat or too old. I filled out my information. Gender: Male; Religion: Atheist; Political Views: blank. Then I filled out my likes and interests: The Oakland Athletics, Cars, Technology, Music, Literature, Graduating, and the Los Angeles Dodgers. After that I filled out a list of my favorite TV shows; they're too numerous to mention, but suffice it to say that some of them are pretty lame and are only listed for their train wreck value.

The story gets a little more interesting when one day I found out that I was a 'fan' of every single thing I listed in my likes and interests. There's a page for nearly everything, even what I listed under the my favorite books section (I read a lot of classics). How the hell can 'I read a lot of classics' even be a page anyway? I've noticed that I am a fan of America's Next Top Model, The Biggest Loser, and Jersey Shore - all huge train wrecks. Can anybody hold that against me? I don't think so. Besides, I didn't intend that to be the basis of me joining a facebook fansite for the shit. Facebook has severely invaded my info page to sign me up for things. So if you have dumb things written in your likes and interests, be warned that this can happen. This revelation has happened rather recently. My days as a facebook junkie started long ago.

I started playing Mafia Wars about two years ago and I really haven't missed one single day of playing it. It is one of the slew of games that facebook employs to keep bored users online longer. Among the most notably terrible games are farmville, farmtown, yoville, treasure isle, vampire wars, cafe world, and petville. I do not play anything except Mafia Wars in which I am currently on level 459. I have not purchased any points or anything to help me skip levels and/or level up faster. I am simply incredibly dedicated to one insanely dumb game. For those of you who don't know what Mafia Wars is, please don't ever play it. Most of you won't get sucked in instantly like I was to dumb button pushing for the sake of pushing buttons, but it may come to run your lives like it has mine. The game consists of nefarious activities like beating up bookies, fighting rival gang members, and, of course, killing people. Mafia Wars lets all its players down right there by not being as graphic as other games; all there is to see is the text 'job complete' when you've performed an illegal activity. Somehow there is a slight satisfaction when text pops up letting you know that you 'iced' your opponent or bribed a judge. There really is no substance behind the game. It is an indefensible addiction, what I consider the best kind. If anyone could talk to you out of your addiction or you could properly defend yourself from an attack, then it would be less worthy of being called an addiction. And furthermore, if your addiction doesn't at some point find you in your underwear in front of a computer screen at 3 in the morning, it may not be a real addiction. Sure, drug addicts don't ever have this problem unless they shop on canadianpharmacy.com, but their version of satisfaction seeking can almost be justified in an argument. My addiction to Mafia Wars reminds me of someone else's addiction to anything lame that they can't give up for absolutely no reason. It's like a collection of meaningless trinkets from vacation spots that mean precisely nothing but still have to be collected all the same.

I have just revealed one of my biggest sources of shame. Other people have meaningful hobbies, I revel in my own futility. I have one saving grace, however: I do not shamelessly leave annoying and intentionally incomplete status updates in order to drum up attention for myself. The Facebook friends I have that perform this sad ritual are soon booted off my list for the abhorrent act. Most of them transpire like this. SUSAN JACOBY oh no. DAN FELMER oh no what? SALLY DAVIS are you okay? DAVID JACOBY what's up susan? Are you all right? SUSAN JACOBY I just found out that Ricky Martin is gay. Many people are bamboozled into believing something of meaning just happened and it could have been horrible. It's usually very banal and boring to find out the true cause.

What are these people trying to pull? Do they need to startle everyone into paying attention or is there just some gross misunderstanding? I think these people are just the right mix of selfish and uncreative to fail at coming up with something that garners proper interest. But these people are not the worst offenders of unwritten Facebook etiquette, there is another far worse specimen that makes my blood boil: the overtly religious poster.

These people come in all shapes and sizes and use Facebook as their personal forum to capitalize pronouns and nouns relating to the divine. They usually use it in reference to something wholly unrelated like, "The Raiders win! Praise Him!" I'm like, uhh the Raiders are a group of people... oh wait. And although it might smack of divine intervention for the Raiders to win a game, does every trivial human happening have to involve god? If there's one thing Facebook helps prove, its that god, if he existed, would have far greater things to do than waste time like the rest of us idiots.

The Disconnect Between Commercials and Real Life

Television is intentionally packed full of some crazy shit to get our attention as the fleeting commercials cycle by. But have any of us ever stopped to question what we're seeing? My attention has been recently captured by the multitude of truck commercials that appear on nearly every single commercial break. These commercials ask us to invest $30,000.00 on a brand new, diesel truck that has an interior that will blow us away. This truck doesn't just have leather and 350 HP standard, it has all sorts of technological innovations that eliminate sway, increase towing reliability, and at the same time increase fuel economy.

What they show then during the explanation of all the updates to the new truck is somewhat surprising to me. It's quite typical in GMC commercials and Chevy commercials to see the owner of a brand new beautiful truck thrash the shit out of it. The commercials in question show the proud owner of the new truck going to a job site to pick up a pallet of bricks one day, about 25 tanks the next day (followed by a nice mud burnout through the construction site), and then the guy heads out to an open field where he removes a huge stump and dumps it in the back of his truck.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pfSnuR6EzUs&feature=related (Sorry I can't properly link this video!)

This one is my absolute favorite though. Same brand new beautiful truck goes to a construction site to load up on materials. This time it's about a ton of mulch dropped from 20 feet into the truck (AWW FUCK! I just had this shit washed!), unsecured 20 pound rocks that are just dumped into the truck's bed, and then the truck is shown towing huge tubes in what the manufacturer creatively calls 'tubesday' while simultaneously driving through the biggest mud bog he can find.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pfSnuR6EzUs&feature=related

This may be the type of activity one engages in with a rental car, but definitely not with their very own brand new truck. Most people don't allow smoking in their vehicles, but these commercials take that sort of dedication to keeping a vehicle clean in an entirely new direction. I think half the things they do constitute lunacy on the part of the vehicle owner. Who the hell would haul 4,000 pounds of rocks in the back of their brand new truck without securing the load? Or simply buying a few tie downs that would prevent the rocks from smashing through the back window.

The problem with these ads is that they're slightly misleading. Maybe they mean to say that your new truck is so awesome that you'll lose your mind once you sign the papers associated with its purchase. Maybe you'll try to drop cinderblocks from a three story building into the back of your truck. Don't worry, this truck is super duty. Maybe it means to put our fears to rest about the possibilities of something bad happening. I don't know about you, but by showing a brand new truck doing donuts on gravel with 200 unsecured bowling balls in the back they take great strides in quieting my mind. In fact, I think I'm going to do just that if I ever buy myself a brand new half ton pickup.

The truth of the matter is that if anyone owned that brand new truck they would only treat it like that if they were about to junk it. I understand that the argument of contractors using their vehicle for work is going to be raised, and rightly so. But what is depicted in these commercials is outright aesthetic insanity that would not happen in ordinary life. If your boss, head of a construction company, told you to pick up a pallet of bricks from the brick yard, you definitely wouldn't have the loading guy let the whole pallet slam down on the bed of your brand new truck. You might take extra pains to prevent that. And I also doubt that the same contractor would feel uneasy about plunging his truck into a huge mud puddle in order to prove a point. But what would be the point in a commercial depicting a sensible man sensibly driving his clean, pristine truck down a clean freeway? We all want some dirt dumped into the beds of our television trucks from 40 feet. Insanity gets our attention... at least for now.

Lawrence Taylor's Latest Transgression

He's done it again. Lawrence Taylor's ass is in a sling yet again. After he had been through the ringer for purchasing cocaine from an undercover cop, he's been accused of misconduct involving a minor. But I thought he was a changed man!! Those of us that thought he'd reformed after his time at Dancing with the Stars? DUPED! And those of us that thought he'd changed after his Nutrisystem Commercial? We've been HAD!

Taylor was arrested for rape of a minor and solicitation of a prostitute early Thursday, May 6th. Taylor is married and a father of 3. What would even compel a man to even enter into a situation that could end this badly?

There are a long string of incidents involving sports stars or former sports stars that merit all the attention of the public. From Ben Roethlisberger to Plaxico Burress, many sports stars are absolutely retarded and they often find it hard to keep their pistols under their elastic waistbands. What these guys need is a really square person to hang around them at all times and give them common sense advice.

Plaxico could have avoided all controversy involving his gun accidentally discharging in a New York City club if he had a small white dude with glasses to consult with. Plaxico: "Should I bring my nine to the club?" Small white guy with glasses: "No Plaxico, that's not a good idea." Likewise, Ben Roethlisberger could have avoided all his trouble had he employed a nerd with common sense. Big Ben: "Hey Poindexter, hold my jacket as I enter the women's bathroom." Poindexter: "That's not such a good plan Ben!"

These guys make so much money but have precious few brain cells to rub together. I am not commenting on whether or not these guys are guilty of the crimes of which they are accused. All I am doing is pointing out that it takes a real idiot to even get into the situation where you can get accused of such activities. It seemed to me that in the past sports stars had more discretion and their conspirators had a little more tact before completely outing them to the police or the media. I don't think these things were unheard of back in the 1960s but rather that people didn't go blabbing all over the place. Also, sports stars might have had a bit more common sense with which to decide that entering a hotel room with a 15 year old prostitute is a bad idea for their careers.

Chat Roulette and What it Says About Humanity

I recently discovered Chat Roulette, a chat site that launched in early November of 2009. It is a webcam chat site where you connect with a stranger. This is the point where the website departs from a standard chat site and enters the arena of unsolicited hardcore pornography. Merely click "new game" in the upper left hand corner and you are whisked away to ocular rape. Your first connection might be a cute girl, and your 75th connection might also be a cute girl. Somewhere in between your eyes will be greeted by no less than 55 half naked (or naked) dudes.

The numbers concerning the website are even more disturbing. For every girl on chatroulette.com, there are upwards of 70 dudes, many nasty naked ones, too.

Aside from the lesson that technology is nearly always used exclusively for evil, pernicious activities, Chat Roulette has taught me one more thing: most girls are lazy. I've long suspected that girls are lazy. In my early day college classes a large majority of girls would show up wearing pajamas and slippers. That kind of behavior isn't tolerated from most male students, yet girls can get away with it. How this applies to Chat Roulette will soon be explained.

Chat Roulette ties this laziness up with a nice little bow. When you finally wade through the ocean of perverts that populate Chat Roulette and get to a girl, you'll find that she is most likely incredibly boring! Of the few girls I talked to on Chat Roulette, most were mind numbingly boring. Some were doing homework and rarely looked up, one even read a magazine. She literally typed, "hello," then turned her head and picked up a magazine. WTF! C'mon!

Now I'm an egalitarian, meaning that I believe people should be treated equally. Whether they're gay, black, white, muslims, christians, or atheists, I think people should enjoy the same rights and privileges. I also believe that all people should be called out on the same shit. If a dude can't show up to classes in pajamas and fall asleep in the back of the room, than neither should a girl. Only when all people are accountable for their own actions and placed on the same scale can we truly coexist.

JaMarcus Russell gets cut from the Oakland Raiders

Today capped off the drama between 2007's overall draft pick JaMarcus Russell and the Oakland Raiders. Although I am not a fan of the Oakland Raiders and I'm against them, I feel for the fans of this team. They've made a slew of poor choices when it comes to drafting players and when it comes to selecting coaches. But enough of being nice, let's make some fun!

For those of you who don't know about the story of JaMarcus Russell, he was highly favored in the 2007 NFL Draft. He was so highly favored in fact that he was selected by the Raiders as the #1 overall pick. Other #1 picks in the NFL draft include O.J. Simpson, Terry Bradshaw, Ed "Too Tall" Jones, John Elway, Bo Jackson, Peyton Manning, Michael Vick, and Eli Manning. Russell was in very good company. Of all the # 1 picks in the NFL draft, many are Super Bowl winners, many are Hall of Famers, and many are considered legends or legends in the making in the NFL. It's here that the story starts going south for both Russell and the Raiders.

As you know, the team with the worst record gets the first pick in the following NFL Draft. Many teams choose to trade that privilege to another team in exchange for players or money or both. The Raiders, as they usually do, took the highest pick and, dazzled by how highly rated Russell was, they chose him. They signed him to a huge contract, $68 million with $31.5 million guaranteed, after he held out for a huge payday. He missed the first few weeks of his first season in order to secure his enormous check. His work ethic became questioned after this. Was he in the NFL for the money or did he truly care about the game?

These questions were put to rest under constant media coverage of Russell's failure to show for practice, showing up to practice overweight, and his constant ineptitude in actual games. He threw interception after interception in games and was plagued with incompletions. His arrival at the 2010 Raiders' Training Camp signaled the end for Russell. His coach's eyes must have bugged out of his head when he saw Russell, usually 260 pounds, enter Training Camp at over 300 pounds. His lack of a work ethic does not end at his shocking weight gain. He was a constant slacker even off the field. His team mates say that he fell asleep during meetings.

The pick of Russell shows either the Raiders are cursed or that they just make dumb picks or maybe it shows both. Al Davis, the old ass owner of the Raiders, always exerts his influence to make a terrible choice. The quarterback plays a crucial role on the football field. He is the general, the leader, and the example for all players to follow. He's supposed to be the first one to practice and the last one to leave. JaMarcus Russell was the worst possible QB, general, and leader for the Raiders. They did better under their backup QB than they did under their starter. In my opinion they should have booted Russell sooner.

Will anybody pick up Russell after his release from the Raiders earlier today? I don't think so. Michael Vick, a great QB who was coming back into the league after his involvement in a dog fighting enterprise, wasn't picked up immediately by the Eagles. Instead, many many teams considered picking up Vick and ultimately passed because of his terrible past. Russell is probably marred even worse than Vick by his lack of work ethic and his inability to perform. My guess is that he's on the fast train out of town never to be heard from again.

The Future of Technology/Death of the Written Word

With all the new innovations in technology, the droid, the iphone 3G S, the iPad, swivel screen laptops, MP3 players small enough for you to swallow, what will be the next big thing? I think technology is working its way to integrating every type of popular product (MP3, phone, camera, computer) into one device. But what will this device look like? When will these things get too small to use comfortably?

I still find touch screen things really annoying. To me nothing can replace the push of a real button. You get to feel that your fingers are on the right key and you get to push them down yourself, feeling the motion of the key the whole way. With push screen technology, you have the opposite, especially on a small screen like on an iPhone. I don't know if it's that I have incredibly large and unruly fingers or that the iphone's keyboard was designed poorly. There are certain words that just come out wrong each and every time. Most of the time I end up posting something on facebook or text messaging someone with something that doesn't make sense in the slightest.

Which brings me to another point - spell check has been integrated into just about everything, but who says that's a good thing? Sure, for most people who can't spell to save their lives spell check injected into every program they use is a good thing and a good way to eliminate or at least reduce the instances of them making a fool of themselves. Spell check does not, however, make absolutely sure the word you have just put in a sentence is the correct one. I don't know how many times I have seen people post things about "loosing" their keys or a popular sports team "loosing" a game. Can't we create something that recognizes words that are used incorrectly in a sentence?

The biggest one of all is "your" vs "you're". Most people don't even know the difference so they settle on the simple yet elegant "ur" that just waves a big orange flag and declares loudly to the world, "HEY, OVER HERE. I'M A RETARD!" The people that use these 'shorthand' shortcuts are the same that declare stupid shit like, "Oh, I'm too lazy to type out the whole word." Well how fucking lazy do you need to be to forego typing out an entire four letter word in exchange for a two letter abomination? I wonder what else is too difficult and time consuming for these people. Maybe wiping their own asses comes in close to "too much work" and they discontinue it every now and then. "Oh, I don't walk to the bathroom when I need to take a piss. I'm too lazy so I just piss on myself." What these people don't realize is that instead of learning to type through all these small words like "you" they're learning nothing. They're not building any skill, they're not learning to use language effectively, they're just strengthening their laziness and stupidity.

I pretty much think most internet abbreviations that have made their way into our lives are for the detriment of society and they are rapidly killing the written word. In twenty-five years English standards are going to be so hobbled that we will settle on something almost making sense. My biggest irritation with internet abbreviations is they're less straightforward and less expressive than the phrases or actions they replace. "LOL" is the biggest waste of three letters but it's seemed to capture every retard's attention. I believe hahahaha is much more evocative and much more expressive and only requires mindlessly pressing on two keys. The only meaningful and useful computer abbreviation to me is "BRB," or Be right back for those who don't know what this means. That's the "oh damn, I really gotta use the bathroom" abbreviation.

With so many abbreviations and internet bastardizations of the English language, it's hard to see how we are all going to be speaking in the future. It's ironic that today, with words literally everywhere bombarding us with information, we think less and less about language and more and more about convenience and ease.